Calling all Ladies and Gentlemen!
We are going to talk about app dating and truth today.
I am going to start you at the ending, and then explain how we got here, and what you can do to avoid this situation.
His name is not Rick.
It’s Robert.
His job is not in the Government IT space. It is at a major car company.
His security clearance is a lie.
His divorce does not exist.
His family does not know what he has done.
So how did we get here?
I met him on an app.
I am smart, savvy, and can usually read people well. I had been with him on and off for just over a year. He makes it clear he wants more, not just a FWB relationship, and I realize that he is actually a surprisingly good fit for me and a kind person, understanding, and erotic.
But he travels, and his ‘DC-super-secret-job’ makes his travel spontaneous; the unpredictability ruining holidays and special plans. He loves me and, knowing I am open to this, he talks of our future… “You are the one for me… I want to touch you like this until we are without breath.”
While I hadn’t been seeking monogamy, he “wants strings”, and so I go down this path as he trails this delicious fruit before me… leading me onward into a love affair while offering a destination which involves a future together.
He speaks of the holidays, his family, and the space he does have for me in his life, and I ride out three serious calamities in his life with him: the death of his father, his mom’s broken hip, and his mother’s stroke the following year. I am supportive, understand his long absences, make room for his grief, his needs, and his wants.
“Are you available to pursue a relationship like this?”
I only ask a few things in return.
1. A copy of his divorce decree. I explain to him that this is because I have had a friend who was deceived by a man for two years, and it was heartbreaking to see when she finally found out he was still married, on another coast, living with his wife… I just don’t want this experience.
2. My second request is that he honestly answer the question: “Are you available to pursue a relationship like this? Your family would not mind? Your ex-wife won’t come unglued because you are moving on?”
I repeat these two questions periodically, and always get the comforting answer: “I am completely divorced”, and available for this adventure. “It’s been a long time.”
There are small signs… I ignore them. Because I believe in the goodness of people.
But the divorce papers don’t appear.
There is always a reasonable excuse, or the sex takes over and I don’t even think to ask. He treats me beautifully, says all the right things… the endorphins are flowing.
My friends ask why I haven’t been to his nearby apartment yet, and they point out the strangeness of that, but I know that with opposite schedules, it is so much easier to stay at my place than to pack a bag and go to his when I get off late at night. I have dog, and this suits my lifestyle. The convenience trumps all.
I ignore that he has a second phone, because so many people do these days, for work and personal.
I listen to his words of love and promises of a future, his adoration and cherishing of who I am, “scars and all”.
We love cooking together and music, and amazing sex, and that all smooths over the yellow flags I know I have seen but has rationalized away because there are so many reasonable explanations, and I am not a suspicious person.
Time for a conversation.
When things turn very serious, I sit him down one evening and say to him:
“We met on Tinder. Everyone lies on Tinder to protect themselves, or their job, or just chooses to only share select parts of themselves. So, if we are going to be serious, let’s have a conversation that is truthful and transparent so we can start off our real relationship with honesty.”
I make it clear that if his name isn’t Rick – that’s ok. Now is the moment to tell, with no repercussions. I make it clear that if his job isn’t his job, that’s ok too – and if he isn’t divorced, now is the time to explain so we can work through it together.
He tells me everything about him is all out on the table already. He shares personal and deep things. He assures me there is no one else, and all is exactly as it appears. He is mine, I am his, and he is exactly who he said he is.
I breathe a sigh of relief, because even though armored to hear the worst, it feels good to know I have placed my trust in an honest person.
But my best guy-friend doesn’t believe him. My wingman. He hasn’t met him. He “doesn’t know him” like I do.
So, my friend takes a picture without me knowing. A simple picture of his license plate. And he calls a friend in the work-world where checking license plates and registrations occurs every day. A private investigator.
The information which comes back is not at all what my friend expected: the car is registered to a woman.
My friend dives in and signs up for www.Truthfinder.com and puts in the names of the people to whom that car is registered, and obtains a report on them. He sits me down and shows the report to me, and I am still. Shocked as I see the first names of his family, but with a different last name than I know him by.
“The truth always comes out.”
His mom’s first name is right. His sister’s first name is tracking with his stories. His apparently-not-ex-wife’s first name aligns. His grown kids’ first names are right. His birthday, and one of his two addresses are right. But the last names? Not what I was told.
His father’s obituary online? Finally found quickly with this new TRUE last name. I had previously looked for it, but without the correct last name, it was elusive.
And still I sit in shock.
I ask my friend to send me the report digitally, and I forward it to ‘my man’, along with his father’s obituary. “Can you explain?” I ask simply.
His response is equally simple: “I am a horrible person. I do not deserve forgiveness. However, I am sorry.”
“I have abused your trust.”
The words linger electronically in the air.
“I understand you will hate me for being dishonest.”
In that one moment, my world is tilted violently and I find numbness to be my salvation. It allows neither anger nor pain to enter the space inside me. This part will only last 36 hours. The anger and pain are hot on the heels of the numbness and I must proceed with caution, lest my reaction forces everything to spiral out of control.
“Does your wife know?” No.
“Did your mom have a stroke?” No.
We meet that night to talk.
“Why? Why would you do this?” The reasons pour forth, the apologies interspersed. But nothing matters anymore. It is impossible to achieve anything beyond the most basic understanding of what has happened, and to try not to extinguish the person in front of me, who has agreed to answer the questions I need to ask.
Ultimately, he admits he was a coward. Too scared to tell his wife the truth about how he wanted to live. To scared to tell the woman he now loves that he is not who he said he was. Scared of what will become of his life. But ultimately, he is not the man I perceived him to be; fearless, loving, kind, and trustworthy are the opposite of his very nature. It is an illness. I know to walk away immediately. Never to return.
I choose not to destroy his life. Not to tell his wife, his sister, his mother, or his grown sons… the very people who could be catalysts for positive change in his life. The people who need to clean up their own family mess. His mess.
I stay true to myself and my values. But I tell the story to my friends and family, documenting everything. Partially to protect myself, and also so other single people can beware- and learn how to protect themselves from a partner who cannot reveal themselves honestly.
So, how do you, dear reader, avoid this insanity?
Honor yourself by never accepting less than the entire picture.
When meeting someone on apps, it is not like dating someone from work or your community, where you know them in context. As such, they should never be offended that you wish to be safe and verify their identity. They can show you ID, but even that is not above being faked. They should want you to feel comfortable and secure, and you can read the Truthfinder.com report together. It is not a credit report. It is a verification of who they are.
Trust your instincts.
If you have questions or feel there are missing pieces which others have offered you in your dating experience, but you are not receiving now, address them. Never think that your question is intrusive or silly, and never settle for non-answers. If you are going to let this person into your body, and sleep next to you, you can choose that the ticket to ride includes visually provided proof of answers, not just words.
You can require proof of identity. Driver’s license, mail sent to his house, social security card, or passport.
These are all available, easy to produce quickly with no excuses, and will let you begin the verification process.
Be willing to invest $200 in your future.
Take a picture of a license plate and send it to a licensed private investigator. The registration is a verifiable document, which required someone with a real ID to obtain it.
Be willing to invest $30 more to sign up for www.truthfinder.com
Make sure their story matches what you have experienced and heard. This is a small amount of money that will let you feel secure that you are on stable ground. It will be the best money you can spend to verify someone, but you must have their REAL information in order to use it properly, and the registration of a car’s license plate is a direct line to that real name and address. Even if the name is unexpected, enough other information will appear on the report which will make it impossible to deny the overall context of who they are.
Telling the truth requires courage, and caring for others.
Informed consent is directly connected to the identity of your lover. At the point in which feelings get involved, it is very fair for a conversation to occur. A penalty-free moment of truth for both parties in which you get to admit that “while I was dallying around on apps, I preserved my privacy and my family or job by lying about or omitting the truth about x, y and z”.
Unless anonymity is desired by both parties, at that point, you both have the right to know the person entering your life, and you have the right to choose. That is the very core of informed consent.
Use your words. It is not hard.
Be clear. Be kind. Be honest.
Even if hard, it will never be easier than at that moment.
If you do not speak up then, you may end up losing an amazing future you could have with this person you have come to have feelings for, because the truth will come out eventually.
I promise.
