In our shop, every day we hear many sexual myths spoken by customers which are frequently off target regarding sexual acts and kinks: things people say they have ‘learned’ throughout their lives.
What most people don’t consider is that there are really no hard and fast rules or definitions to anything. For example, one person may define BDSM as ‘meaning’ something specific. In fact though, it is a nuanced rainbow of activities, desires, impulses and drives which can have broad or miniscule differences.
The same is true for any sexual definition: your type of relationship is one example. Others may include gender identity and many sexual activities. They will each start with a base premise, and then become molded like a beautiful clay statue, layered with the things which make it important to you, and make it feel like it defines your view.
Polyamory is a great example of this, as there are so many ways for your polyamorous relationship to evolve, and the rules are only what you and your partners make them. If you were to compare your “kitchen table polyamorous relationship” to those of others, you would certainly discover differences in the rules.
The same is true for gender identity. The many shades of how we define ourselves are so nuanced, that when we try to label what we ‘are’, we find ourselves using terms which only define the most basic aspects of how we unfold ourselves to others. Gay. Lesbian. Trans. Non-binary. These are all just a starting frame.
Toys and sexual activities come in all shades of definition.
There are toys which address clitoral stimulation, but even if two ladies like that, they may never love the same toy. Why? Because the gradients of sensation are so different, and no single sensation is the one for everyone.
That being said, there are some things which we find to be almost universally true and false. Are there exceptions? YES! That one thing which turns 98% of people off, is absolutely the goal for that other 2%, and we should never judge. However, one should know what is considered mainstream perhaps, before trying the more extreme. Let’s start with sex toy myths…
1. First of the Sexual Myths: Sex toys will make you unable to obtain pleasure without them.
Reality: False!
Sex toys allow you to explore your own body with different vibrations and pitches, getting to know what triggers your pleasure, allowing you to be more comfortable with your body, and to convey those sources of joy to your partner. Users of sex toys report extreme satisfaction, and isn’t that the goal?
2. Sexual Myth: Only kinky people use sex toys.
Reality: False!
People on every location on the sexual spectrum can and do use sex toys. Either to enhance their solo-play, engage in discovering new activities, or with partners who wish to explore and add different types of stimulation to their existing play style. Never say, “That’s not for me”, until you have given stimulation a chance. Both men and women can be surprised by the positive reaction of their body to vibrations from toys.
3. Sexual Myth: Sex toys which look like they are for women, are only for women.
Reality: This is not true!
So many toys which work for women, also work on men! Vibrations feel good to men also, adaptors for multi-gender play are available for most wands, and anal toys are for both genders. Be adventurous, bold, and explore beyond the traditional. Discovering new sensations is a wonderful experience, and you should never hesitate to try new things. Now, some anal sex…
4. Sexual Myth: You don’t need lube for anal sex.
Reality: Consider carefully!
Spit is not enough! Unlike the vagina, the anus is not self-lubricating—so it’s really, really important that you do use lube when experimenting with anal penetration.
It reduces friction, and can also be fun to use when trying external stimulation of the anus: if you’re just massaging the perineum, for example, lube can help keep everything nice and slippery down there.
The general rule is that however much lube you think you might need, double it.
5. Sexual Myth: Enjoying Anal Play Makes You Gay.
Reality: It does not.
Our bodies have erogenous zones, and men are lucky to have a prostate, which has a cluster of nerves, allowing intense pleasure. Consider yourself blessed if you have a prostate! And if it is wired to give you pleasure…? This is such a gift for you! Anal play does not have to include penetration, but when it does, if you find your prostate pleasurable, please don’t worry about how you define your sexuality, instead be grateful for the joy you can now experience.
Expectations can make the whole sexual event stressful….
6. Sexual Myth: Women should orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex.
Reality: Not so!
Fewer than 20% of women reliably climax from this kind of sex. Too many women, girls, and gender-expansive people feel inadequate about our normal, healthy, sexual needs. Any obligatory feelings regarding the expectations during sex can make a person feel stress and anxiety, two feelings which do not contribute to great sex. Have no expectations about the event beyond seeking pleasurable feelings during the process. Don’t hunt the orgasm.
7. Sexual Myth: Penis-in-vagina-sex is the only ‘real’ sex.
Reality: Not so! Anything which gives us good sexual feelings is ‘real sex’.
There’s nothing inherently better, or more real, about one kind of sexual stimulation. We may be completely satisfied by oral sex, manual sex (fingering), solo sex, or something else. In fact, if we’re seeking orgasms, we’re least likely to find them through penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. Everything before that is “foreplay” which is leading up to the real sex.
8. Sexual Myth: Oral sex is only appealing to my partner if I smell or taste very neutral.
Reality: People love the pheromones, authentic smells, and taste of your genitals, even if you don’t.
Understanding the pH balance of your body is important for vaginal health (tap water is not pH balanced, so cleaning washes are definitely something to explore), but beyond being hygienic and clean, don’t worry about how you smell or taste. The most important thing to remember is that nothing is written in stone. The quickest way to find satisfaction in exploration is to not have any expectations of what is ‘right’, ‘good’, or ‘normal’. If you set up these expectations, then anything less than following that path will feel deficient. But if you don’t set up those expectations, then you are going to allow yourself to be in the moment, enjoying stimulation, and being the recipient of the attention of your partner’s creativity.
Ultimately, your sexuality is your own journey, but it important not to always listen to people who think they know what is ‘right’. Exploring is important, and advice on lubes and methods of stimulation are very helpful to listen to- but don’t ever let someone tell you that you are ‘doing it wrong’. Have confidence in your body, the joy you can bring your partner, and the way your partner perceives you. You are unique and lovely.
Question:
I want to buy my wife a new toy, but without making it obvious that I want to buy it for me as well. Which sex toy would I least expect to be multi-gender, and how would I use it?
Answer:
If your wife enjoys clitoral stimulation, we would recommend a full-sized wand. You can use it on her and she can use it on herself. It can be used during intercourse and you will feel the vibrations through her. You can also get a “Hummingbird” attachment by Wand Essentials, and attach it to the head. It has a stroker on the top, which will allow you to insert yourself and can be slid up and down your penis while vibrating. This works the best with a hard cock, and with a firmly vibrating wand, and can be rotated on the penis to explore which side is the most receptive to vibration.
