Sometimes it just fizzles out.
Disconnecting on apps from someone with whom you have been speaking intimately can feel awkward. When we are on apps like Tinder, Grindr and Feeld which connect us with potential mates or folks who share our kinks, we are faced with hundreds of people to swipe right or left on, and sometimes that can become dehumanizing, leading us to treat the whole experience of connecting with people as a ‘game’ of sorts.
It can be so entertaining to casually chat, as if we were at a cocktail party; to move from one person to another. The chase, the flirtation, the witty banter, giving and receiving ‘goodnights’ from a handful of individuals whom you are courting, is a rush, however as we know, many of those exchanges don’t evolve into a tangible relationship.
Yet, they are sort of ‘mini-relationships’ aren’t they? They are moments we have shared with another human being, exchanging intimate thoughts, before deciding that something about them suddenly raises a red flag. That flag can be something as simple as a difference in communication style, or something uncomfortable, like they live like they have never learned how to clean the bathroom.
This is a real human being, and we should not just disconnect on apps abruptly, but instead with kind words, because we are human too. It is hurtful to ghost someone, and leave them wondering what they did, causing them to feel self-doubt. There is always a kind but firm way to begin the disconnection process.
First of all, understand why you are disconnecting.
You have a measuring stick which you are using to evaluate if you have found a truly compatible person to be with, even in a limited capacity. Suddenly you realize that your communications styles are so different that you will just never be happy. You like to communicate a lot throughout the day, and they are more reserved, letting whole days go by. You have talked about it with them, but it seems to be the way they are. No mal-intent.
“Be clear that you respect them but will not build your life around a hope that they can be different…”
What do you do about it?
Explain. Explain that it is not that they are deficient in any way. They are just different than what works for you. Explain that you have turned this over in your mind and realize that you are not compatible in this way.
Assure them that you are not going to spend a lifetime hoping they will change or thinking that their love for you will change who they are and how they function. Be clear that you respect them but will not build your life around a hope that they can be different, and that you have no desire to change them, because that is a path that never works. In this way, you are being true to yourself.
Hold fast to your honoring of yourself.
Make sure that you mean what you are saying, and not just hoping that they will say, “Oh, babe, I will change for you…” because that, too, is folly.
Be kind in your execution of the disconnection.
Allow the person to ask questions, to probe your decision so they can better absorb it, and to assure them that there is nothing good that can come of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole: for either one of you. Remind yourself of this fact as well, because it can be so easy to fall right back into the arms of someone you have feelings for, even though your brain has recognized that this is not the right fit.
Then stay away.
Do not continue to engage. If you can avoid it, do not go where they go out. Work hard to cut the strings, because changing your mind later is to deny the truth you already know. This takes confidence in yourself and your choices, but you are worth it.
A little humor from our shop:
From the daily fun at Knock First in Rockville MD
Today a customer asked us to find him a straight vibrator in a certain price range. We asked if he wanted it to be short or long? He replied: “I am not sure. We have been using a toothbrush.“
The Question:
I want to buy my girlfriend her first vibrator, but don’t know which one to get. Can you make a recommendation?
The Answer:
Only you know what your girlfriend likes best, and we can talk about her preference for internal or clitoral stimulation. We are glad to show you a wide range of vibrators in our shop. Knowing their body already, by turning the display toys on and off, you will be able to get an idea if you are selecting the right gift.
More importantly, this brings up a conversation we have frequently in our shop:
“You are giving a gift? Let your partner play with it alone first after giving it.”
It is incredibly kind to allow the receiver of the gift the opportunity to explore their unfamiliar toy while not ‘on stage’. If your partner has never experienced this toy, they may wish to try it out on their own first. To discover exactly how it works, how strong it is, where they like to be touched by it.
Communicate: this is your opportunity to discuss how you both want to proceed but be open to the concept that you may not witness the first use of the device.
Then intimacy and connection can increase when they show you what turns them on, and the time you spend using it together will likely be more enjoyable.
